It doesn't matter
by niktar
Summary: One shot song-fic. Lucas and Haley. Set right after Lucas leaves for Charleston with Keith.


This story used to have song lyrics in it. I have removed them as not to break any rules. **While reading or before please listen to "It doesn't matter" by Alison Krauss.**

You heard his voice on the machine, a little unsteady and you found yourself moving quickly across the room. Your hand was reaching towards the phone, but something inside you kept your hands from picking it up. You heard him hesitate, and you begged him, with all your heart and soul to tell you he couldn't do it, that he wasn't really going to leave, but somehow you knew. You had known since the words had come out of his mouth, that he was as good as gone. Once he made up his mind to do something, he rarely if ever went back on it. That was just the way he was. And usually you loved him all the more for it, but now that was not the case. You knew you wanted him to stay, more than anything you wanted no more change. If anything you needed everything to go back to 'normal', you and him against the world. But that wasn't how it was going to be, and it was a good thing you were all cried out for the moment because even tears couldn't keep him by your side and you didn't really want them to. Well maybe only if you thought they really would. You could literally feel your heart breaking in the pause of his silence and were quite surprised to see no outward sign of your pain. When you knew inside your heart was bleeding. And then he spoke again and tears you thought you didn't have in you just a moment earlier flowed freely down your face as the words replayed over and over. "...and I'm really sorry I left without saying goodbye again this morning. I am going to miss you so much and if you're sitting there right now listening to me...please just don't cry anymore. I hate to see you cry. I'll call you soon. When we get there even. Okay well I'm going. Bye Hales."

It's a little while later and you find yourself sitting on the picnic table at the riverside, looking out at the basketball court. As the wind blows in off the water you are assulted by a variety of memories, eliciting a myriad of emotions. You remember everything from the first moment you met him. More vividly than you like you can especially recall the events that have taken place lately. You had been there when he: joined the basketball team, began adoring Peyton, was bullied by the team, was angry at you for tutoring Nathan, was pushed away by Peyton, turned to Brooke, betrayed Brooke, got into the biggest argument you two had ever had, died on the operating table, slept with a random bar slut who turned out to be Jenny's mom, found out Brooke could be pregnant, became friends with Peyton only to lose her again. You had always been by his side in some form or another, as a supporter, confidant, savior, sometimes even an adversary...but always underneath it all a friend, his best friend. You had seen him slipping, seen him making mistakes, but you had always thought he would figure it out. Find his way. You realize now you didn't actually know how lost he had become. You know that he's afraid of becoming like his father and you know he's running away from that. That fear, that is bigger than him, tortures him even more now than it used to. Becoming like Dan in any way has always been his worst nightmare. And you know he felt like he was standing on the edge of a cliff and he was terrified of falling down into the deep abyss. And even though you know all this, you had seen it all transpire, you still wish with all your heart he hadn't had to leave to find his answers, to find his way. But you understand. And that's all that matters, if anything does. You push yourself off the picnic table and turn your back on the court, already starting to walk away and you hear a voice, and it surprises you because it's your own "Goodbye Lucas".

As you walk home, the rain begins falling, softly at first just sprinkles and you welcome the cool freshness. As the raindrops fall gently down your face, you can feel it right down to your soul and you begin to feel cleansed. Begin to feel you can wipe away all the pain of this long hard day. Begin to fool yourself. You feel the wind pick up and you begin walking quicker, wanting to make it home before the rain really starts to pour. But no such luck, all of a sudden it seems the heavens just opened up. You start running as fast as you can, and you feel your heart beating hard in your chest as the minutes tick by. Your shoes making a constant splash noise on the pavement with each stride as you pass through town. "Haley!", you hear Karen yell from the door to the cafe, but you don't stop, you couldn't stand to see her cry anymore than Lucas can stand to see you cry. Beside thoughts are repeating in your mind, and you're trying to drown them out, maybe run away from them, but they stay just at your heels, pushing you on. Just on the outskirts, is a thought, a certainty, begging to be known, addressed. And when you finally stop running, coming to rest on your front porch, like a punch, it doubles you over. The truth. He would've stayed, if you had just asked. You knew he would have. But you had wanted to be selfless, you knew he wanted to escape, and even though you wanted to help him, you knew you wouldn't be enough. You couldn't constantly stand against him and the rest of the world. You know he needed to find his own way and as much as you wish you could, you couldn't find it for him. Even though you needed him, to be there with you, you knew he needed to leave more than you needed him to stay. He had made up his mind and you knew you wouldn't stand in the way, he knew you wouldn't stand in the way. Now given the chance to ask, even with all the pain and emptiness you were feeling, you still wouldn't. You couldn't. Ask him to...stay.

You've still got the house to yourself and you're sitting on the couch, wrapped up in the blanket Karen had quilted for you long ago when you were a lot younger. Less jaded than you are now. You're holding a cup of hot chocolate in your hands and you've finally stopped shivering from the rain. Even your hair is almost dry, almost just not quite. Kinda like a lot of things. Almost. What a weird word. You also know you're not really making much sense now, good thing you're the only one who can hear you. Just you. No one else. And you wonder who you'll go to when you're all alone and you need someone to hold you. Who will you call to come check the house when you're scared and your parents are away. Then you realize with surprise that all your thoughts go back to him. You just seem to keep coming full circle back to where you started. And you want it to stop, need it to before you go insane. And all of a sudden you truly grasp his need to escape. You realize his fear of becoming his father is as suffocating as your fear of losing him is. You come to see that his constant worries, his ceaseless thoughts, the harsh words from those dear to him kept him prisoner. Prisoner of his own device. You recognize that Keith leaving was his way out, his escape. You realize he needed to free himself from the ties that were binding him into his hell. But you know this, and only this. The answers that he seeks aren't out there, they are inside him and he just needs time to figure it out. With that known, you also know your own answers are within you and finally have time figure it out. More time than you could ever need. Your thoughts are interrupted by the phone ringing, and you quickly pick it up. "Haley...I'm so glad you answered. I was worried about you. Would you come over?" And you promise Karen to be over in a few minutes before you hang up the phone. And you smile because at least you're not all alone.

Karen had fallen asleep and you had wandered into his room. It looked so bare and stripped, it made you want to cry all over again. But you just didn't have the strength. You went over to the bed, still made. The only thing still the same. You picked up the pillow and were comforted by his familiar scent. At least you had that. You laid down in the bed and pulled the blankets around you as you had many times before when you'd spent the night. Only this time he wasn't there to talk you to sleep. Or to be sung to sleep. It made you miss him more than you thought possible, to be here in this place without him. You hear ringing and are confused at first about where it's coming from till you remember you have your phone with you. You fiddle with the damn thing, cursing it because you can't see the buttons. Finally you find the right button to answer it. "Hey stranger" You hear on the other line, causing you to smile and answer in turn "No stranger than you". And for the next couple hours you talk, about anything and nothing, neither wanting to end the conversation. But finally you hear his voice beginning to become softer, gruffer, and you can tell he'll soon fall asleep. You tell him that he should get off the phone so he can get some sleep, but he refuses to let you go. Besides you really don't want to let him go either. A few minutes later, after a long silence, when you thought maybe he really had falled asleep, he asked you to sing him to sleep like you had when you were both younger. So you did.

You sing softly so as not to wake Karen. All the words to the old familiar song taking on a whole new meaning. You hear him sigh, contentedly and after the end of your song you listen closely and hear his breathing has evened out and you know he's fast asleep. You sit there in silence, just listening to him breathe for a couple more seconds before you whisper "Night Luke...I love you" and press end on your phone. Then you curl up in a ball and fall asleep as the tears flow for about the millionth time in the last two days. But you have one comforting thought before your mind shuts down, THE NIGHT.


End file.
